Have you ever been offered a piece of unsolicited advice? Of course you have. You’re a living, breathing female human and if you’re anything like me, you get a lot more advice than you’re looking for. I have a tepid relationship with advice for this very reason. I really don’t like getting input when I am not seeking it, nor do I like being solicited for guidance from someone who will almost certainly never follow it. I’d love to tell you that I have a cure for either of those things but I don’t. What I can say is that I have some advice for how we can avoid being these people. Be warned – if you continue reading, you are seeking advice and I am therefore not being a hypocrite. Insert smiley face.

Don’t ask for advice if you’re not going to use it

No kidding. Well hey guess what? Whether we realize it or not, many of us do this all the freakin time.  For example…

• When you already know in your head (or heart) what you want to do, but you’re trying to see how people will react,  you are not asking for advice. Especially if the chances of changing your mind are hovering somewhere around zero.
• When you never take advice from the person you’re talking to, even though you trust them enough to let them in to your problems. You already know that they see things completely differently, but you keep soliciting their input anyway.
• When there is no right answer! You’re stumped. And this is one of those issues where the odds are even no matter what you do. Guess what? Your advisor might have some different takes on what those odds are, but I bet you they’ll end up stumped too.

So you’re telling me to never talk to anyone about confusing things in my life again? Nope. What I’m saying is, let’s frame this a little differently. “I’m not looking for advice really, I just want to vent.” “I know there’s no right answer here. I’m just hearing out my thoughts.” “We have different ideas on this. I want to hear your viewpoint, because I know it will probably be completely opposite from mine.”

Why bother? Well, it’s simple. People get tired of being asked for advice from friends or family members who never take it. Asking for something you don’t plan to use gets exhausting for the person who gives it. If they understand what you’re really looking for – a listening ear, an honest reaction that won’t sway your plans, maybe just a hint of drama because you’re into that kind of stuff – they’ll be less likely to wear out on your relationship.

Don’t give advice when people don’t ask for it

Obvious, right? But seriously. Don’t do it. Catch yourself when starting your talk with statements like:

• When I was in your position…
• I remember one time I…
• You should…
• I read a book about this that said…
• When are you going to…

You get it. If you absolutely must chime in, at least ask for the open door. “I’m not sure if you’re looking for advice. Can I give you my thoughts?” And it doesn’t hurt to even close your piece with, “that’s just my view, but you can totally take it or leave it.”

At the end of the day, we can’t stop annoying people from impressing their views on us when we don’t want them (motherhood, anyone?). And we probably shouldn’t scream at the annoying beast who keeps asking for our input with no intentions of using it (marriage, anyone??). But at least we can stop ourselves from being those people. And we can quietly judge them from our perch on high.